Letting Go
by August08
Summary: Leonardo was gone, he wasn't coming back. Raphael closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, letting go of the memory of his eldest brother. Oneshot.


**A/N**: I decided to redo Raph's songfic. I have a better song that fits him. This was inspired by _My Immortal_ by Evanescence and the 2007 TMNT movie. It takes place a few months after Leo left for Central America.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Turtles, nor the song lyrics. They belong to their respective owners.

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><p>The blissful quiet of his room was shattered when a loud bang sounded at the door. Raphael hissed, turned over on to his side with his back facing the door and buried his head under the pillow. The banging sounded again. It was too early.<p>

"Raph, get up, it's time for training."

"Go away, Leo."

There was a pause. Raphael pulled his head out from underneath the pillow and looked over his shoulder at the door. Feeling uncomfortable, the red masked turtle slid off the hammock and headed over to the door. He expected to see Leonardo standing in the doorway, however he was met by his genius brother instead. Raphael blinked.

"Donny?"

"It's time for training," Donatello repeated, his voice low and soft.

He headed for the stairs. Raphael stepped out of his room and looked around.

"Where's Leo?" he asked.

Donatello stopped in his descent, his fingers tightening around the railing. "Leo's gone, Raph," he answered. "He's been gone for the past five months."

Raphael growled. Now, he remembered. Splinter had sent their Fearless Leader off for training. Bitterness rose up in Raphael's stomach as he remembered that night. While the others said Leonardo had gone off for training, Raphael said he went on a vacation. On his way to the stairs, Raphael looked up and gazed into the empty room of his blue masked brother. Raphael stepped into the room and turned on the light. It was just the way Leonardo had left it. Everything was in its place. The room hadn't been touched since its owner had left.

_I'm so tired of being here  
>Suppressed by all my childish fears.<em>

Raphael backed out of the room, turned off the light and slammed the door. The lair echoed with the loud bang. The sai wielder stormed downstairs and headed for the kitchen. Michelangelo and Donatello glanced at each other. Out of all of them, Raphael had taken Leonardo's departure the hardest. Even though he denied it, his actions said otherwise. More than once he ended up calling one of his brothers "Leo" when he was angry. Donatello had somewhat gotten used to his hot-headed brother calling him by the eldest's name.

They had all taken their brother's departure hard, but Donatello and Michelangelo had found ways to occupy themselves and to take their minds off of their brother's absence. Michelangelo had found a job as the party character, Cowabunga Carl. Though, he came home with several bruises, the orange clad turtle would also come home with a big smile. Donatello had landed a job as an I.T. tech support. They had been so busy with their jobs that they hardly noticed what was happening to their second oldest brother.

Raphael had gone from hurt, to angry, to bitterness, and now to hatred in just five months. As he roamed around the kitchen getting his breakfast, his eyes kept drifting to the spot where Leonardo used to sit. For a split second he thought he saw the sword wielder sitting at the table, his elbow propped up on the table, his cheek resting in his palm and his eyes drifting closed then snapping open again.

_And if you have to leave,_  
><em>I wish that you would just leave.<em>  
><em>Your presence still lingers here,<em>  
><em>And it won't leave me alone.<em>

Raphael shook his head. Leonardo was gone and he wasn't coming back.

_Leo can stay away, for all I care,_ Raphael thought bitterly as he sat down at the table.

He poured cereal into a bowl and began eating. His eyes drifted back to Leonardo's spot. Shaking his head again, Raphael concentrated on the food in front of him. He felt anger rise in his chest and cursed himself for being such a wimp. After he had finished eating, Raphael put the dishes in the sink and headed for the dojo. It was where he spent most of his time when he wasn't asleep or playing vigilante with Casey. It kept him occupied long enough to forget that he even had an older brother.

Splinter, Donatello and Michelangelo soon joined him and morning training commenced. They didn't have training every morning the way they used to. Since Donatello and Michelangelo got their jobs it was only a scattered morning when they could have practice. Raphael thought it was a sad way of trying to keep the old days alive.

_These wounds won't seem to heal._  
><em>This pain is just too real.<em>  
><em>There's just too much that time cannot erase.<em>

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.  
>When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears.<br>And I held your hand through all of these years,  
>But, you still have all of me.<em>

He was too distracted to pay much attention. He acted mostly on instinct. If he saw movement, he reacted. Practice no longer held any meaning. It was just another empty shell. Raphael twisted his body to avoid Michelangelo's nunchucks. Out of the corner of his eye, the sai wielder saw a flash of blue. With a burst of anger, he grabbed his brother and threw him to the ground. A yelp brought Raphael back to his senses. Raphael looked down and saw he was pinning down Donatello.

"Are you losing it, Raph?" Donatello asked.

Splinter placed a hand on Raphael's shoulder. "Perhaps you should go get some air," he told his son.

Raphael nodded and hurried out of the dojo. He ran out of the lair and raced to get topside as fast as he could. The wind hitting his face felt like paradise as he set foot on the rooftops. Raphael took in several deep breaths, feeling his heart slow down. Maybe he was losing it. Raphael sat down on the rooftop and looked out over the city. There was something wrong with him. There was no way he was taking Leonardo's absence _this_ hard.

"I'm glad Leo's gone," Raphael growled, getting to his feet.

He began walking, his eyes never leaving the ground. When Raphael finally did look up, he was on the roof across from an old warehouse. He jumped down to the alley below and headed inside the warehouse. After closing the door, Raphael made his over to a tarp covered object. He pulled the cover off, revealing a silver motorcycle. Raphael ran his hand over the bike and smiled. He went over to a trunk and opened it.

"Leo can stay gone, for all I care. We don't need him."

His brother's face flashed in his mind. Memories from when they were kids soon followed. Raphael squeezed his eyes shut.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light,_  
><em>Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.<em>  
><em>Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams.<em>  
><em>Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me.<em>

_These wounds won't seem to heal,  
>This pain is just too real,<br>There's just too much that time cannot erase._

Raphael looked down at the motorcycle. He knew Leonardo wouldn't approve of his new night job, but should he care? Leonardo never approved of anything he did. If Raphael did something that actually helped with a mission, Leonardo would always say the method used was too rash.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
>When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.<br>And I held your hand through all of these years,  
>But, you still have all of me.<em>

The red masked turtle placed the helmet on the seat of the bike before he began putting on the suit of his new idenity. He picked the helmet up again and put it on, becoming the Nightwatcher. He pushed the bike out of the warehouse, his ears instantly filling with the sounds of New York. He smiled. Leonardo had his world, and Raphael had his.

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><p>The first rays of dawn were just peeking over the horizon when Raphael crept into the lair. He quietly made his way upstairs and to his bedroom door. His eyes drifted to Leonardo's bedroom door. He half expected his blue masked brother to come out and lecture him about staying out so late. However, the door remained closed. Raphael felt his heart ache. Never before had he thought that he would actually miss hearing Leonardo's long winded speeches about the importance of being home on time and staying out of sight of the humans.<p>

Raphael opened the door and disappeared into the darkness of his room. He went over and collapsed into his hammock, burying his face in the pillow.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,_  
><em>But, though, you're still with me,<em>  
><em>I've been alone all along.<em>

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.  
>When you scream I'd fight away all of your fears.<br>And_ _I held your hand through all of these years,  
><em>_But, you still have,_

The sai wielder tightened his fist around the pillow case as the tightness in his chest faded. Leonardo was gone, he wasn't coming back. Raphael closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, letting go of the memory of his eldest brother.

_All of me._

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><p>What do you think? Reviews are welcome, flames are not.<p> 


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